Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
