I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
im holly from the hills drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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