Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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