1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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