We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
