It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
