We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
whose parrot is this?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
