The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize