Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
