my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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