had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
