Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
