My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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