if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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