I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
