All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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