The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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