She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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