so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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