Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
