nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
