My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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