I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cannot find my penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
