He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
