i think my mom watched the whole time
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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