i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
