My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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