This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
this hospital has no fireball
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
