she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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