It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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