News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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