I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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