There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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