I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love accidental penises.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
