I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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