apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
