I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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