First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
