I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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