She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
