i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
