Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize