made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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