I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
