I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
