considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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