i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
