I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
