Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
