Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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