i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
