Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
