My Higher Power is John Stamos
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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